I knew this was going to be a tough day before I even got out of bed. Just reaching over to turn my alarm off, and the writers cramp was already at work. And then there goes the pain in the neck. So it’s decision time. It’s apparent today is going to be a low so do I call in and lay in bed defeated and feeling sorry for myself, or do I get up and see how far I can make it before I am forced to throw in the towel.
I’m digging in like a stubborn pack mule. The thought of giving in bothers me more than my symptoms. Even with the progression, I know there will be a day where I can’t function “at a reasonnable level”. All the generalized suffers are either there or know it’s inevitable. But to look back one day and know I just gave up and laid down and quit fighting before my time is up seems like I cheated myself and others around me.
Realizing I have goals that will never be attained is ok. My bucket list isn’t all that long and I am trying to finish it now and then keep adding to it. If I can hit the items on there but never finish, it may help keep me going for a few extra years. But there is a sadness to it no matter how much I try to laugh it off and make jokes.
Knowing life will never be normal and only get worse leaves a deep sadness. It’s the kind of sadness of losing a loved one and never getting that chance to tell them how much you loved them and how much they meant to you. I’m sorry if I’m rambling or have a lot of typos, I just woke up wanting to let defeat win and the fact I even wanted to hurts.