An Apology

An apology,

 

I know you won’t understand any of this. I am truly sorry and I need to take time to make all this up to you. You didn’t ask for much, and all I did was hurt you out of spite. You gave me the world, and I gave you Hell.

You had so much heart. There was a dream of being grown up and how your whole life you would be running and finishing marathons. It’s funny how finishing first was never part of the dream. There was so much energy you were unstoppable. There was a lot of pain there yet just running beyond what anyone could imagine set you free.

There was true freedom! Once your heart was racing and pounding in your ears, those little lungs hurting with every breath, those were the moments you no longer wanted to just scream. I still want to scream when things are so out of control it hurts. Somewhere I turned you away and just trying to imagine meeting you now and try to explain hurts.

It’s not the hurt you know. It’s not seeing family hurt themselves, each other, or you. It’s no longer those who called themselves your friends either. I hurt you.

You truly believed someday life would be okay. I rebelled against you more than anyone. When I started smoking, alcohol drowned your voice. You never stopped trying to ask me to change. You stood vigilantly by quieter and quieter because I beat you into submission.

I miss you and I am so sorry for what I did. I was thinking of you Saturday morning and how all these years later, I am finally doing what little you asked for all those years ago. For the first time in I don’t know how long, there was that moment of freedom. I still can’t believe it, but I felt you and wanted to make you so proud. I can’t make up for all those lost years so I won’t even try. I won’t make any promises.

It’s ok, you don’t have to be silent anymore.

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