Feeling small

Today I made my second back to back trip to the gym. I keep telling myself this is going to happen.

I’m The Jollly Runner – I can make anything happen!

It was a victory with a setback. I haven’t even left yet. I’m sitting in the parking lot feeling a victory slip through my fingers.
The victory was for the second time I knocked out a solid mile with no breaks and was feeling like the old me. Back to where I ran to be free. The pain is always there from dystonia but I feel freedom when running. The world takes a backseat while I am alive to just run away from my problems for a short while.
It’s a true escape. Zoning out in front of the tv eating comfort food isn’t a true escape. Playing video games until your eyes glaze over and the only way people know you’re alive is your fingers moving the controller isn’t a true escape. Running and feeling that burn in your lungs while gasping for more and feeling muscles scream with pain that only comes from being truly alive, that’s the escape.
Achieving that true escape and having victory over the side of you with the lazy habits is so wonderful. Until you push for more. Finally back to conquering one mile and the ecstasy that nothing else brings, I slow it down for a few.
The plan was a three minute breather and then push for a half mile more and see how far I get. I last a minute. I get a nasty cramp in my good leg and stop before I wind up falling. After having reality burst my bubble, I felt so small and insignificant next to all the healthy people making it look easy.
I’ll never be first or make it look easy. At my best I’m a middle of the pack guy working extra hard for every step. But I can’t quit. Every part of me body and sole was meant to run. Fate just made me the gimpy runner