down, but not out

Today I got back on the horse(treadmill) and had to find out if there is any chance I can still run.  I did poorly and didn’t hit my goal but I made steps.  When something is in your blood so deep that without you are only a shell, you aren’t alive anymore.  When I am not trudging through mile after mile and sitting it out, I am not who I am supposed to be.  I may not be quick, or graceful, or lean, or any of that stuff that all the cool runners are, but let’s see them try to run with my condition.

Honestly, I thought I was done for.  In early November, during one of my really bad dystonia days, I managed to fall off the porch and my back has hurt so much I have been on the couch.  Falling like that is just part of the condition and I just have to live with it.  So I have spent two months in self pity as my back pain just got worse and I tried to accept the fact that I was done.  I really tried to accept it even when my back pain got to the point I had to start using a cane.  Yeah, that blows.

It kept on getting worse and I finally went to the doc.  I wasn’t expecting to attempt running again, I just needed something.  She saw how twisted I was and last week I started physical therapy.  I only expected to get my back straightened out somewhat, but no big improvement.  Let me tell ya, after that first visit, the next day my symptoms were out of control.  The same thing happened after my third visit.

Then there was today.  While at physical therapy, after he worked on my back and did some of my exercises, it finally popped in the way it’s needed to since I fell.  After I left there, I went straight home and got into my running clothes.  I felt like I could finally give it a shot.  I was excited and nervous at the same time.  Excited I felt like I may still be able to run and nervous I would fail.

I only managed two little miles before my back started hurting and I had to call it a day.  But the point is, I still gave it all I could and have a goal to cross finish lines again this year.  Every one of them will be tougher than last year, but  what kind of person would I be if I didn’t push myself and be happier for doing it?